


A ChristMass Effect.

by Ezri



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Mass Effect. Post war. Normandy. Joab. Christmas. Bike. Motorbike. Ghosts.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 13:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ezri/pseuds/Ezri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas is no laughing matter for Joker. In the decade since the war, Joker has grown to hate the festive season so much he gives Scrooge a run for his money. Fortunately for Joker, the only crew member aboard the Normandy to really embrace the festive season is batarian scientist, Groff. Even Thane, who finds Christmas pleasant and... intriguing, seems too preoccupied with some personal issues for anything merry this year.</p><p>When the Normandy is summoned to a newly settled colony, history loving Groff thinks all his Christmases' have come at once, and Thane discovers both his second childhood and his sex appeal. All thanks to an incredible and surprising find by artist, baker of mince pies, and archaeologist, Joe Black. </p><p>While most of the crew are busy being Joe's little helpers, Joker is plunged into a nightmare. He is visited by three ghosts from the past who bring a stark and disturbing warning about his future.</p><p>It all belongs to Bioware apart from my OC Groff, and Joe Black, who was inspired by the real Joe from deviantart. </p><p>~</p><p>Happy holidays to you all!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A ChristMass Effect.

A ChristMass Effect.

"Hey, Commander," Joker said morosely, as soon as Shepard entered the cockpit.  
She would have greeted him back, if a strange addition to this small space hadn't caught her eye.  
Picking up the brightly lit object she asked, "A... Christmas tree, Joker?"  
"Yeah, about that... Did you know Thane was gonna buy that for me?" Joker grumped.  
Shepard chuckled, "He may have mentioned something about getting you back for that time you called him a Christmas tree."  
Joker huffed, "Oh jeez, that was like... nine years ago? I mean, I know drell have this awesome memory and everything, but come on!"  
"I think he wanted to cheer you up actually. You've been pretty down recently."  
"Cheer me... What?" Joker swivelled his seat around to face Shepard, "Shit! After all this time you would have thought he'd notice I'm never first in line to play Santa Claws for the kids ward on Huerta."  
"No," Shepard smirked, "but Zaeed's done an awesome job these last three years anyway."  
"Not... even... the point!" Joker muttered. He reached up to take the little tree from Shepard's hand and threw it over his shoulder and out of the cockpit, where it bounced off the bulkhead and skidded out of sight. Joker grinned in satisfaction before turning back to his controls with a sigh.  
Shepard shook her head. Joker seemed to hate Christmas more and more every year. Usually it wasn't much of a problem. The Normandy would be in another sector of the galaxy away from Earth, and few humans on board celebrated this particular holiday in a big way. This year, however, they had been on Earth just as many of the human population were putting up their Christmas decorations. It seemed to put Joker in a particularly bad mood, and he had been sullen ever since.  
"Don't worry, Joker," Shepard said, "If it looks like we'll be back on Earth in time for Christmas day, I'll drop you off somewhere they have never heard of Santa, ok?"  
"Pfff! No offence Commander, but you say that every year." Joker shot back.  
"No, I don't. Do I..?"  
"Well, let's see. There was last year, when you promised, practically on your hands and knees, that you'd at least get some of the crew home for the New Year parties. And where'd we end up? Stuck in a batarian prison on their new colony. No one was singing Carols that Christmas... Thank God!" Joker shook his head. "The year before that we dropped onto Thessia 'just to pick Liara up' and ended up wading through two weeks of asari red-tape and diplomatic hell, trying to get her out of jail. The year before that was a pretty standard mission to kick some pirates off a merchant vessel, until it became one of those standard stop-the-crashing-ship-before-it-kills-everyone-on-the-planet type of missions... Oh and the three years or so before that we've either been stuck on some new colony helping to get it started, or fighting mercs... actually, usually at the same time... Anyway, every year, you always promise the crew they will see at least some part of Christmas, and every year we manage to avoid the worst of it." Joker smirked.  
Shepard sighed. "Well, I warn you, Thane already said he would like to spend more time on Earth over Christmas, so if I can get us back after we drop these supplies off, I'm going to."  
"Fine. Just drop me off with those supplies. Even if it means I'll have to wear an enviro-suit and suck ration packs through a straw for the next month." Joker muttered. Then, with some desperation, suggested, "Hell, I don't see why you can't just take Thane to that Santa's Grotto on the Citadel!"  
"They have a Santa's Grotto on the Citadel?"  
"There was one last year, down in one of the wards. I can imagine Thane in a Grotto, sitting on Santa's knee... oh, actually," he chuckled, "maybe not."  
Grinning, Shepard crossed her arms. "I gotta say," she looked over her shoulder to where Joker's Christmas tree lay on the floor near the airlock, "It was kinda funny when I heard Thane got you that tree as payback."  
It had been a long time ago when Thane had unwittingly crept up behind Garrus in the mess, who turned and nearly choked on his tea in surprise. When he remarked Thane should be fitted with a proximity alarm, Kasumi had produced a string of colourful bells from her room, wrapping Thane up in them before he realised what was happening. Shepard had done her best to stifle her laughter, until Joker walked in, took one look at Thane, and stated that he looked just like a Christmas tree. The perplexed looks on their alien team-mate's faces at the humans laughter was almost as funny.  
"That still makes me laugh over ten years on." Shepard sniggered then muttered, "Oh hell."  
"What?"  
"You don't want to know." When Joker eyed her expectantly, she confessed, "I just had an image in my head of Thane, wearing a Santa hat."  
Joker threw his head back in a loud laugh, then suddenly asked, "Hey, I take it you haven't seen Groff?"  
"No, why."  
"Oh, just wait 'til you do. Shit, it's funny. Even I think it's funny and I really hate Christmas."  
Shepard opened her mouth to demand more information, but decided against it and simply asked. "Everything ok up here, Joker?"  
"Yeah, 'cept that I wish it was the new year already."  
"Oh hell. You going to be like this for the next two weeks?"  
"You know me, Commander," Joker shrugged then started working his controls again.  
Shepard sighed, gave his shoulder a squeeze, and left the cockpit.  
"See ya, Commander."  
Picking up the little Christmas tree on her way by, Shepard was pleased to see its lights still worked and turned back to the cockpit. She paused, unsure if talking to Joker further about his mood was a good idea or not. She quickly decided there was no point. Over the years she had learned Joker had simply given up on Christmas, a holiday he used to enjoy. She had tried to talk to him about it many times in the past, but it was always futile, he would walk away and hide in his cabin for as long as possible, day's even if he wasn't needed to pilot. It upset Shepard to see Joker like this, but then he always bounced back to his normal self after the holiday season was over, so it seemed easier to just ride it out.  
Shepard missed Joker nagging her to allow him to decorate the mess and throw a party, if duty allowed. That was back before the Reaper war. It had been many years since Joker had expressed a desire to fill the Normandy with anything remotely like Christmas cheer.  
With a sigh, she carried the Christmas tree away.

Shepard smiled her thanks when Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor informed her, "Commander, you have new messages on your private terminal."  
She would take a look at those later. Right now Shepard intended to plot their course for tomorrow, have a long hot shower, and spend time in the cabin with Thane.  
As soon as Shepard opened the galaxy map, Joker's voice came over the comm, "Got a message coming in for you Commander, it's from Alliance Command."  
Rolling her eyes, she left the map. "On my way." She told Joker.  
Shepard threw the Christmas tree at Traynor, grinning when Sam caught it. She walked swiftly past the science Lab, into the communications room, and stepped onto the quantum entanglement platform.  
Despite her mild displeasure of potentially being called further away from the evening she had planned, Shepard was delighted to see the avatar in front of her. "Admiral Anderson," she grinned.  
"Hi Shepard. It's been a while, how have you been?"  
"Good actually. How was the honeymoon?"  
"Ah," Anderson chuckled, "I gotta hand it to you, you were right to recommend Virmire. Kahlee loved it, and I had a good time too."  
"That's good to know, Thane and I are planning our own trip there early next year."  
"Then you need to know, everything the brochures tell you, all true." Anderson grinned for a moment, before he straightened up slightly to tell her, "Alliance Command had an interesting message today. An archaeologist on Joab has requested an alliance ship be dispatched to his location to check out an unusual find."  
"What kind of unusual find?" Shepard asked suspiciously.  
"Wouldn't tell me, said it was sensitive information, even for a secure channel."  
"Is it dangerous?"  
"No, I don't think so, he told me that much at least, repeatedly in fact. What he suggested to me was this was an extremely unusual artefact, though quite benign. Whatever it is, he's very excited over it. Truthfully Shepard, I can't see it myself. Archaeologists have gone over most of that planet in the years we have been getting it ready for colonisation. There wasn't much left of the civilisation that once inhabited it to find, mostly a few time capsules that's about it." Anderson shrugged a shoulder. "I don't want to send you on a wild goose chase Shepard, but this archaeologist was pretty adamant about this find, and he does check out. He's well qualified. We've downloaded all the information we have to your XO's station."  
"Ok, I'll get on it Admiral. How soon are we to be expected?"  
"I'll leave that up to you Shepard," Anderson smiled, "You're the Spectre."  
"Right," she chuckled. "Then I guess we'll be at Joab in a couple of days."  
"Good enough. Thanks Shepard. Hopefully we'll see you back on Earth in time for the festivities eh?"  
"Oh," she put her palm against her face, shaking her head. "If there's anything to this artefact, and we get stuck on Joab, Joker's gonna love me." She looked at Anderson and sighed, "It used to be I had to promise him Christmas every year. Now..."  
"Hmm," Anderson nodded, "Yeah, I remember I used to promise him the same thing when I was in Command of the Normandy. He used to hate it whenever we'd get called away and he missed Christmas with his family, understandable. I take it he's still refusing to be, uh, merry?"  
"Worse than ever! Honestly, he's become a right pain in the ass since we left Earth yesterday."  
Anderson chuckled. "Well, I'll still keep the Christmas lights on for you, until you get back."  
"I appreciate that, I know some of the crew will, too. Thank you, Sir."  
"Sir? Now you don't have to go all formal on me, Commander, it's just a few Christmas lights."  
With a chuckle she said, "Merry Christmas, Anderson."  
"No," he smiled, waving a hand. "You can tell me that in person. I'll see you soon Shepard."  
As soon as his image disappeared, she left the Comms room, still smiling. Passing the lab just as Groff exited, Shepard's smile dropped to a gawp and she did a double take.  
"Groff?"  
"Hey, Shep."  
"What the hell have you got on your head?"  
"It's a Santa hat. Me and Thane did some Christmas Shopping before we left Earth. You should see his Christmas tree. It's cool. I got one for the lab, you seen it yet?"  
Shepard was still stunned by Groff's appearance to say anything. Eventually, she confessed, "I never thought I'd see a batarian wearing a Santa hat."  
"You humans are all racist," he grumped playfully and made his way towards the CIC.  
With a slow shake of her head, Shepard watched him go before finally following him. Reaching the lift Samantha said, "Er, Commander?"  
Shepard turned to see Trainer was focused on Groff as he made his way towards the cockpit. "Am I seeing, what I think I'm seeing."  
"Yep," Shepard shrugged. "A batarian in a Santa hat. Sure, why not? Perfectly normal for this ship." With a smirk she entered the lift to make her way down to the crew deck.

-

"Hi Miranda," Shepard said as soon as she walked into her XO's quarters.  
"Hey Shepard," Miranda smiled, looking up from her terminal.  
"Have you seen Groff?"  
"No, why?" Miranda sat back in her chair. "Problem?"  
"Oh no, nothing like that," Shepard chuckled, sitting on the edge of Miranda's desk. "You'll know what I mean when you see him."  
"Alright." Miranda flashed Shepard a smile and said, "I take it you've spoken to Admiral Anderson?" Shepard nodded. "Good, he sent me this report a few minutes ago," Miranda handed her a pad, "most interesting if you ask me."  
"Really? You have an idea what this artefact might be?"  
"No clue." Miranda smiled knowingly before standing to walk towards the window as she spoke. "But I do know what this archaeologist is, or rather, who."  
"Oh?"  
Swinging round to face Shepard, Miranda put her hand on her hip. "Indeed, he's bloody ex-Cerberus."  
"Interesting." Shepard Said, crossing the room to join Miranda on the sofa. "Now there's a name I haven't thought about in a while."  
As the two sat Miranda said. "I must have met him all of twice but we corresponded a few times. I guess you could say we became..." she waved a dismissive hand, "friendly enough. He's a good artist, you see, and though I wasn't in touch with her at the time, my sister liked art, so... Anyway, I suppose I found it interesting, talking to an artist. The important thing to know is, we met while we were both working for the Illusive Man."  
"What did he do for Cerberus?"  
"He was an archaeologist, still is, apparently. He would sometimes go and dig up some Prothean tech, or something more... lucrative for the Illusive Man. I'd heard he survived the war, and the Alliance employed him for a while, but his trail went cold after he went freelance. Honestly, I thought he was dead. There were rumours. That's all. Nothing was ever confirmed. Can't say I'm too surprised to see him re-appearing, to be honest." Miranda shrugged.  
"So... you think we can't trust him? Even though he checks out fine with the alliance."  
"Honestly, Shepard, I wish I knew. He always struck me as decent enough. He wasn't typically human centric like most of Cerberus, just someone happy enough to do a job he enjoyed for someone who paid well. Mostly, he always seemed above board, not dishonest. I guess he just didn't care who he worked for... like me at the time." Miranda shrugged.  
"So this artefact could be the real deal? Something special?"  
"Quite possible. Probably, in fact. Shaun didn't ever strike me as the hysterical type so I doubt he's creating drama over nothing. I suppose we'll have to wait and find out."  
"Shaun? I thought his name was Joe?"  
"Oh, right, of course. He changed his name after he left Cerberus. Smart move. His real name is Shaun."  
At that, Miranda stood and returned to her workstation, quickly settling back into her chair.  
With a quiet huff of resignation, Shepard took the hint and stood to go. She used to hate feeling dismissed by Miranda back when they were on the SR2. But she had long since realised it was nothing personal, just Miranda being her efficient self.  
"Right, I suppose I better let Joker know."  
"Don't tell me you promised him Christmas again, Shepard?" Miranda said sarcastically.  
Shepard huffed and turned to leave, pausing when Miranda said, "Oh, Commander. I suggest you make sure the team has their winter-weight jackets to hand. Where were going on Joab it's currently around minus 10, and snowing. So, it'll be Christmassy, at least!"  
"Oh great," Shepard grumbled to herself, "Joker's gonna love that!"

-

Two days later Shepard sat in the shuttle with several members of her team. Jack, James, and Zaeed were the only ones yet to put on their winter jackets and Shepard was wondering if she was the only one starting to overheat already.  
The shuttle swayed gently as it dropped out of the Normandy and Shepard turned to Groff, "You still wearing that Santa hat?"  
"Well, I wasn't going to, but then I heard how cold it was down there so figured it would keep my head warm."  
"Hah," Jack rolled her eyes, "He's not taken the thing off in days. Probably wears it in the shower!" she snorted.  
"So what were human's doing colonising a bloody snowball?" Zaeed asked.  
"Actually," Liara told him, "It's quite unusual for Joab to have very much snow.  
While scientists were in the process of re-seeding the planet and making it habitable again, they recorded a particularly harsh winter only once or twice every ten years or so."  
"Oh right." Zaeed nodded. "So it's our timing that's screwed up."  
"Exactly," Liara smiled.  
"Weren't we here a year ago?" Jack asked.  
"Nah," James waved a hand, "that was out in the Terminus Systems. But this colony has only been established for, er, how long...?"  
"Less than six months," Miranda answered. "It's still a fledgling colony with only the set up team and scientists with their families right now."  
With a sigh, Garrus said, "That's just what I was afraid of. Haven't you noticed how it's always those new colonies who give us the most trouble?"  
"Is it possible," Javik asked, "that this artefact could be prothean?"  
"Hard to tell," Miranda shrugged inside her bright armour weaved, heated and quilted jacket. "Could be, I suppose, but at this moment it's all speculation."  
"By the Goddess," Liara muttered so only Shepard could hear, "I really hope this isn't another prothean artefact."  
Shepard pressed her lips together to hide her grin. Despite it being a decade since they had brought Javik out of his cryogenic chamber, Liara still hadn't completely come to terms with the fact the prothean's were effectively empirical slavers and galactic bullies. Javik had shattered Liara's perception of the gentle, peace loving prothean scientists she had romanticised in her years as a young archaeologist.  
Shepard turned to look at Thane, who had barely spoken all morning. In fact he appeared to be brooding over something now. She sighed, wondering what was bothering him and hoping there would be a chance to ask later.  
When the shuttle settled onto the planet's surface Shepard opened the hatch.  
"Holy fuck!" Said Jack, throwing on her jacket and zipping it up past her nose in the time it took to blink. James and Zaeed weren't far behind.  
"Quads," Shepard muttered, shivering already. She quickly activated her jackets heating system.  
"I said this Santa hat would come in handy," Groff grinned, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head so only the hat's white pom-pom could just be seen.  
As the team disembarked Shepard said, "Thane, you gonna be ok in this cold?"  
"Yes, thank you, Siha," was all he offered. He pulled his jacket down away from his face to show his smile and so his words weren't muffled when he leaned towards her and whispered, "I love you."  
It was unlike Thane to utter something like this while they were on a mission. Shepard liked it, and yet it worried her. There was definitely something going on with him. For now she looked into his eyes and mouthed back, "I love you, too. Always."  
Comforted by this, Thane smiled again. Escorting her out of the shuttle he said, "I don't believe you told me the name of the archaeologist we are to meet."  
"Oh, it's... Holy mother of Hanar!" Shepard's jaw dropped when she looked out of the shuttle's hatch. Her team stood just outside, also open mouthed, looking around the small, half built, colony. "You have got to be kidding me!" Shepard breathed.  
"Well," Miranda smiled, "Looks like Joker won't be getting his anti-Christmas wish after all. Assuming you still intend to land the ship and give the crew a little shore-leave?"  
"We'll see..." Shepard muttered absently as she looked around.  
It was like walking into a Santa's Grotto. Coloured lights adorned the trees, and brightly lit ornaments were arranged around a small square edged by some of the family cabins. With a blanket of crisp white snow to compliment the scene, it looked like one of the old fashioned pictures sometimes seen on the Christmas cards that humans would send to each other over the extranet. Shepard actually searched for a crowd of ice skaters on a frozen pond.  
"This is... unexpected." Thane observed. "Pleasant, despite the cold."  
"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Called a chirpy male voice.  
Shepard observed a dark haired man approaching, younger looking than she had expected, and his cheeks rosy from the cold. He seemed not to notice it and wore only a thick black jumper. "Commander Shepard, it's a real honour."  
She could barely feel his hand in hers as they shook; such was the padding on her gloves, "Thank you. Doctor Black, I assume?"  
"Oh quads, just Joe, please." he waved a dismissive hand and grinned. "Miranda, long time. Nice to see you again."  
"You too... Joe." Miranda smiled, raising an eyebrow.  
Shepard introduced the team as Joe quickly shook hands with them one by one. Until he reached Jack where he seemed to have trouble letting go of her hand. "Jack... oh wow... I was so hoping you would be aboard the Normandy when I heard it was you guy's they were sending. I'm, uh, a real fan of yours Jack... Um, all of you..."  
"A what?" Jack was too well concealed inside her hood for anyone to see her scowl, but the team could hear it in her voice. "Fuck, I don't know if I should be flattered or creeped out."  
Joe threw his head back and laughed before telling her, "Save being creeped out until I show you some drawings I did of you."  
"You did what?"  
"I think I've drawn most of the Normandy's crew over the years. It's, y'know, a hobby." Joe shrugged.  
"He's good Jack, no worries," Miranda smiled. To Joe she said, "So you've given up drawing vehicles now?"  
"No, I got some nice pieces of the Normandy."  
"Maybe you can show us later." Shepard smiled, diplomatically, "Once we've stopped freezing our asses off and have seen this artefact." It wasn't that she didn't appreciate art, she just wasn't in the mood to deal with a super-fan right now and was beginning to wonder if this guy was about to turn into another Conrad Verner. Shepard shivered.  
"Oh, right, sure. Come on, it's just a short walk to our base, and warmth."  
"Thank the Gods," Thane muttered quietly.  
"So, what's with the bleedin' Santa's Grotto? Not exactly on Earth here, are we?" Zaeed said.  
"Most of the colonists are from Earth," Joe explained over his shoulder, "and it'll be their first Christmas on Joab. Makes sense they want to continue with the festive spirit, eh? I like it. But then I always did love Christmas time. I'm like a big kid at Christmas." he laughed.  
Joe continued the dialogue during the five minute walk to the small science base, and was still talking as the team gratefully took off their heavy jackets, and were led to a communal mess.  
"Mince pie anyone? I baked them myself... Oh wow," he stared at Groff, "Awesome Santa hat!"  
"Thanks," Groff grinned, taking a mince pie. "Hmm," he said, trying not to spit crumbs as he talked, "these are real nice. I can taste... Brandy?"  
"Of course," Joe grinned, "You can't have mince pies without brandy!"  
"For real?" Jack asked. "Gimme one!"  
Happy to oblige, Joe offered the plate to Jack, then waited for her response, apparently delighted when she shrugged, then said, "Fuck, yeah, nice."  
"Is it me," Shepard said, "Or is there something a bit surreal about all this?"  
"I don't know," Miranda smiled, "Seems perfectly normal to me." She brought the mince pie she had been holding up to her lips and took a bite, grinning as Shepard shook her head.

-

Joker was sat in the cockpit, one elbow on the arm of his chair, resting his chin on his hand, staring out of his cockpit window, when Shepard's voice came through on the comm. He blinked, not realising he had been lost in thought, the same thought's that always plagued him around this time of year - his last Christmas on Tiptree. It was their first family Christmas after his mother had died, and the last time he ever spent a full Christmas with his Father and Sister.  
Pulled out of his morose thoughts, Joker was pleased to convey the Commanders message and let the crew know they would be landing on Joab shortly for a little RnR.  
"Let's just hope," he grinned at EDI as he guided the Normandy into its decent, "they have a decent bar down there."  
"I believe the probability is very high, Jeff," EDI replied. "I have yet to visit a human colony where alcohol wasn't in abundance."  
They wisecracked and bantered together during the short decent, and it pleased EDI to see Joker cheered by the prospect of some shore leave far from Earth.  
Unfortunately, Joker's better mood quickly slipped back into its black cloud as he brought down the Normandy's landing struts and took in the traditional Christmas scene outside his window.  
With a huff he muttered, "You have got to be shitting me!"

-

"And this," Joe continued, changing the holo image on his omni-tool, "is one of my most recent pieces, 'Garrus on Omega'."  
"Oh... hmm... yes, I like that," Garrus said, pleased and a little embarrassed.  
"So, you've drawn all of us on..." Liara searched for the word.  
"Motorcycles," Thane said, almost absently as he looked at Joe's art.  
"It's a bit... weird, if you ask me," Miranda said, "but as always, Joe, your art is damn good."  
"Well I thought mine was fuckin-A!" Jack said, making Joe smile at her for long moments, until she scowled at him.  
Taking the hint Joe looked away, shaking his omni-tool off. "That's just my more recent stuff," he told them. "Sorry I don't have one of you yet Groff, I only started working on them over this last week. I'll do yours next though."  
Still chewing on yet another mince pie, Groff simply smiled his acceptance. He and Joe were the only two people in the room interested enough in Earth history to understand what a motorcycle really was, and Groff was looking forward to speaking with Joe at length later.  
"The reason I showed you those pieces," Joe explained, "apart from kinda wanting to show my art off a little," he chuckled, "was because I wanted to make sure everyone knew what a motorcycle was. Because, you see, that's what we found! An ancient Earth bike, here, on Joab."  
Groff nearly choked on his mince pie.

-

Joker stood at the bottom of the Normandy's ramp, looking around at the Christmas scene with a scowl. He was the last to leave the Normandy and his intentions were good. He was going to try and mingle with the crew, take a look at this old Earth vehicle the archaeologists had uncovered, and try to enjoy a little RnR. But each step he took away from the airlock felt as if it was taking him towards Christmas hell. Even Joker admitted this was a bit dramatic, and yet he just couldn't grin and bear it this year, like he usually did, or tried to anyway. He knew he wasn't good at hiding his emotions and this year was no exception.  
He had felt fine until they landed on Earth for Admiral Hackett's retirement dinner. If that wasn't tedious enough, he couldn't even bring himself to enjoy the party afterward, what with those two giant Christmas's trees dominating the room. Joker couldn't help grinning, though, when he remembered how most of the team had sung 'Oh Christmas Tree' to Thane, much to Thane's annoyance.  
Joker's smile fell. Not because he remembered how much they had annoyed Thane - that was still funny - but because he was stuck on a colony full of insufferable Christmas spirit and good will to every shitting thing up to and including Pyjacks, probably.  
Joker debated looking for a bar, or at least a well stocked mess in the colony, before deciding to return to the Normandy and put the do-not-disturb sign on his cabin door for the duration. He looked at the gaudy decorations and annoyingly bright lights, and thought shore-leave on Joab could go take a jump.  
He was about to step back on the ramp up to the Normandy's airlock when he heard the approach of snow-crunching footsteps, and turned to see who it was.  
"Hi there! I'm guessing you must be Joker? Er, Jeff... Flight Lieutenant Moreau... Uh, can I just call you Joker?"  
"Er..." Joker automatically shook the man's hand.  
"I'm Joe, Joe Black."  
"Oh right, the archaeologist, yeah."  
"So, Joker, right?"  
"What? Oh, yeah, sure whatever," Joker waved his hand, "It's what everyone calls me, anyway."  
Joe grinned, "So, you coming to see the bike?"  
"Er, well, yeah, maybe, later. I got some stuff to do," Joker thumbed over his shoulder, "on the ship."  
"Oh man, bad luck. I guess pilots don't get much shore leave, huh? What with you having to fly the ship and stuff." Joe grinned.  
It took Joker a moment to realise the guy was being sarcastic and he didn't particularly appreciate it. "Hey, I don't just fly this ship like you dig holes, man. A ship like the Normandy needs more than just a pilot, she needs a damn good engineer," Joker counted with his fingers, "someone adept at seriously advanced computer technology, and like I said, just a good pilot couldn't fly the Normandy, she needs the best god damn pilot in the galaxy! Which I happen to be!"  
"Oh, hey, look, I didn't mean to offend you, Joker, I was just kidding around. I think you do a hell of a job. I'm a bit of a fan, actually... of all you guys on the Normandy."  
"Right, well, ok then." Joker offered mildly, not really sure what to make of this guy. When he noticed Joe wasn't wearing a jacket he saw an opportunity to get rid of him and said, "Shit, you must be cold. I'll let you get back inside."  
"Oh, no worries." Joe smiled, folding his arms, "You get used to being out in all weathers in my job."  
"Yeah well, if you don't go inside soon, you'll still freeze your ass off."  
"Hey, any chance I could get a tour?" Joe nodded at the Normandy.  
It was the last thing Joker wanted and he practically crossed his fingers when he asked, "Did the Commander clear it?"  
"Oh, no. I didn't think, of course. I'll ask her."  
Joker breathed a sigh of relief and was about to bid the man farewell when Joe said, "So, I guess I'll see you later, maybe for a Christmas drink? I've made loads of mince pies."  
Joker rolled his eyes, "Look, no offence, but not all humans celebrate Christmas. I don't really go in for all that kinda thing myself."  
"Not even as a kid?"  
Joker scoffed, "Well sure. I mean, my mom was a spacer so it wasn't your typically traditional..." he trailed off, wondering why he was even having this conversation. "Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm just not into all the fuss, is all."  
"I guess most of your crew isn't either..."  
"No."  
"Do they all hate it as much as you?"  
"Hey, I never said I hated... Why are you even asking me that?"  
"Oh, nothing really, I just noticed a lot of them seemed pretty down, especially EDI. Though I guess..."  
"EDI? What's up with EDI?"  
"I, I don't know, maybe the same thing that eating you? Seriously Joker, you should give this Christmas stuff a go. It's fun."  
"What the shit? Seriously, who are you?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Joke chuckled, "I can't help it, I'm like a big kid at Christmas and I just like to see everyone enjoying themselves."  
"Yeah, well, you're wasting your time with me, pal."  
"Aww, can't you just join in? Y'know, I once knew this guy, real Christmas grouch. One day..."  
"No offence but I am not interested in tales of woe about your, father."  
"Oh no, he wasn't my father," Joe laughed, "he was..."  
"Whatever. If you're planning on relating some cautionary tale about the wisdom of showing a little Christmas spirit, you can keep it. But thanks anyway. I dunno about you, but I'm freezing my ass off, and I have a heated coat. Not that it's switched on, but that's not the point... Look, it was nice to meet you, Joe, good luck with the bike thing n'all, but I got work to do." With that Joker turned and made his way back up the ramp.  
"I bet you don't really have work to do." Joe called back. "You should consider joining us. I bet you're crew would appreciate it, and it would be great to get to know you better."  
"Seriously," Joker muttered shaking his head as he hit the release on the Normandy's hatch. "That guy is a real ass!"

-

Joker thought about EDI as he made his way back to the cockpit, wondering if he should contact her to see if she was ok. It worried him EDI's unhappiness might be because of him, but he really didn't know what he could do about it. Joker wasn't very good at faking emotions.  
EDI had lectured Joker about how his bad mood could bring the crew down, that he should try to make more of an effort, how it wasn't fair to those who cared about him... before she finally left him alone when he promised to make an effort to join them later. At the same time, though, he asked that he not be disturbed if he needed some time on his own.  
As Joker closed the cockpit blinds and sat in his pilot seat with a sigh, he tried not to be angry at EDI, she didn't really understand.  
"How can she understand when you don't fully understand your own aversion to this... Christmas?"  
Joker turned in his chair so sharply, he nearly broke a bone. "What the shi..?" His final word was choked off when he saw the turian standing next to him.  
"We meet again, Lieutenant. You do know who I am, I assume?"  
"What the... How... how did you get..."  
"In? A dead spectre arrives and that's your first question?"  
"Yeah, ok, I admit, it was pretty lame even for me. I guess I must prefer really lame questions over the completely insane ones!"  
"Hmm, you have a point. Then I shall spare you. Yes, I am Saren Arterius, back from the dead, as it were." When Joker began to stand, Saren held out his talons in supplication, "Please, don't get up. I am not here as your enemy."  
"You shouldn't be here at all, you're dead!" Joker reached out to a control.  
"Another fair point." Saran conceded, "I don't seem to be very good at thi..."  
"Joker to Commander Shepard." Joker said, glaring at Saren.  
"I'm afraid she won't be able to resp..."  
"Commander, come in..."  
Saren raised his voice a little, "She can't hear you!" With a sigh he waited patiently until Joker gave up with the comm and got out of his seat, stepping aside to allow Joker passage to the door.  
"What the shit?" Joker muttered sharply, tapping the door controls.  
"I'm afraid, Flight Lieutenant, you are stuck with me for the time being. And please believe me when I say, I feel the same way as you about it, but it has to be done." Saren shrugged.  
Rounding on him, Joker said, "What the hell is going on here?" Then he pinched himself on the arm, hissing at the pain and swearing under his breath.  
"You're not asleep, Moreau." Saren insisted with a grin.  
Jokers shoulders sagged as he rubbed his face with his hands, then looked at Saren with a shake of his head.  
"Nor are you imagining me. Come on, I need to show you something."  
Joker didn't ask, he turned back to the door, eager for an excuse to escape and find Shepard. To warn her that either Saren was the latest member to join the back-from-the-dead club, or that he himself had gone completely insane.  
"Not that way, Moreau," Saren said, "Over here."  
When Joker looked over his shoulder, he staggered at the scene, and lifted a hand to steady himself against the bulkhead. Only the bulkhead was no longer there.

-

"The only reason this artefact is as well preserved as it is, was because of the planet. It's pretty dry most of the time, rarely snows like this and there is little rain in this area, that's why all the water is pumped in. So the bike is nowhere near as rusted through as it should be." Joe grinned at the group gathered inside a large workshop.  
"Rust?" Groff said, scratching his head through his Santa hat, "you don't see much of that these days."  
"Of course," Joe smiled, "but we’re talking materials from the Common Era."  
"Oh," Groff nodded, "interesting."  
"The what?" Jack asked.  
"Oh, sorry," Joe smiled, "the Common Era is what the twenty first century was called."  
"Then I am wasting my time here." Javik complained, scowling. Yet, made no move to leave.  
In contrast, Liara looked very pleased and quite interested in what Joe was about to show them.  
"You guys ready?"  
"Get on with it, Joe." Miranda smiled, shaking her head as she put one hand on her hip.  
With a flourish, Joe threw the cover off the bike, grinning widely, "Ta daa! Isn't it a beauty?"  
"What the fuck? That's it?" Jack scowled at the battered, dirty looking object. It resembled little to the bikes in Joe's artwork.  
Groff's jaw dropped, "It's a bike," he muttered, staring at the machine "an ancient Earth motorcycle. For real! It's... beautiful."  
Joe nodded, clearly very pleased with Groff's reaction.  
"Bloody hell," Zaeed said, "I've seen pictures of these things, but never thought I'd see one in real life."  
"There are a few bikes in museums back on Earth," Joe explained, "but nothing like this. This is a sports bike. The only ones we have left preserved are either Triumphs or Harleys. This bike is just a standard production line bike, made by Honda, something someone might have used to get to work and back once upon a time, so it's unique." Joe put a gentle hand on the bikes damaged fairing, and continued, "You see, the mass production bikes didn't get preserved when Earth united a few decades after this bike would have been put into production. With the advent of new technology, machines like this became obsolete and eventually there was a big planetary clean up. Basically planet Earth got rid of all its scrap, melting everything down for re-use." Joe sighed, shaking his head before looking up at the group with a smile. "As such, this bike is worth a fortune as it is, right now. I mean, a big fortune, not a small one! But," Joe's smile grew wider as he spoke and he became more animated with excitement, "we don't want to sell it to a museum, at least not yet. We want to... restore it ourselves! That's where you guys really come in. I mean, we're going to need protection, you know, if any raiders or mercs get wind of this."  
"Hell yeah," Shepard sighed, "they'll see this as easy pickings and sell it to the highest bidder."  
Joe nodded, "Exactly! And we need to find some historical data, maybe some experts, but, obviously, very quietly. Last thing we need is the press getting hold of this story."  
Shepard nodded, "I hear that. But honestly, I'm not sure how we can help."  
"I could maybe put out some feelers," Liara suggested, "quietly of course. I'm sure it will be possible to find some data in a museum archive without, er, being detected."  
"Oh no, that’s not a problem." Kasumi waved her hand, grinning.  
"Wait." Groff frowned, "When you say you want to restore it, you mean, so it works?"  
"Exactly," grinned Joe.  
"Sorry," Groff signed, "impossible."  
"Why?" Joe said, taken aback.  
"It's a combustion engine." Groff explained. At Joe’s blank expression, he asked, "You know what that is, right?"  
"Not really, no. My archaeological specialty is actually non human technology. I enjoy drawing historical vehicles similar to this one, but, I'm afraid I've only just begun to look into how they actually work."  
"Then you have a choice," explained Groff. "Restore this bike exactly as it should be, but it won't run, just like the bikes in the museums. Or you can design a new engine based on our current fuel resources, if you want a working model. A combustion engine runs on petrol, gasoline. Interestingly it can run on other things, even water. But, if we're going to do this, it would be better to convert it to something we understand better."  
Joe was nodding, "To save time on a lot of research and... the fuel problem."  
"Exactly."  
While the two men considered their options, Shepard said, "Well guys, if you can put it all back together and get it working in three days, go for it. I'm going to let Admiral Anderson know what we have found, on a secure channel," she noted Joe's discomfort but was pleased he didn't argue, "and see if we can figure out how it got here. I like a good mystery," she grinned.  
"Wait, three days?" Joe said.  
"It's all the time I can give you, sorry Joe. Some of my crew are due leave and I can't take away their family Christmas for this, however interesting the find is."  
"Couldn't we work on the bike in the shuttle bay Lola?" James asked, then turning to Joe, added, "I'm pretty sure we can make some of the tools we'll need."  
"I don't see why not." Shepard nodded. "We can transport you to wherever you want to take the bike, but you'll have to be ready to go in three days, whatever happens."  
"Really?" Joe grinned, "Wow... Me, on the Normandy... wow... Er, Yes, that would be so helpful. Thank you, Commander. Anyway, we can do this in three days! I like a challenge, something to take me out of my comfort zone. It was the only reason I worked for Cerberus, until I realised... y'know," he shrugged, "what they were."  
"Hmm," Thane pondered, "It would take a number of us working long hours to restore this machine in just three days."  
"Us?" Shepard asked Thane.  
"It is an interesting project, Siha. The memories I will make here will be unique for a drell."  
"I... see." Shepard said. She was a little taken aback this was something that would interest Thane, but she certainly wouldn't stand in his way. At the same time, she didn't expect to share what could have been their first potentially relaxing Christmas shore leave together, in the company of her team and an old motorbike.  
She approached Thane to give his lips a kiss, "Have fun playing at being a badass, then."  
"Hmm... being a badass," Thane said stoically, "is one thing I never play at."  
Smiling, she said, "I would say you can show me later, but Garrus is listening..."  
At that, Garrus, shuffled, stammered, then found a sudden interest in the motorbike and joined the rest of the team.

-

Steadying Joker, Saren asked, "Do you know where you are?"  
"Ah..." Taking a step back Joker kicked something and turned to see his dad’s bookcase right behind him. Hearing a noise, Joker swung his head around, looking at the living area, nicely decorated for Christmas, before noticing someone was entering the apartment. Joker panicked.  
"It's ok, no one can see us," Saren explained casually.  
The apartment door opened and Joker watched himself enter.  
"Jeeeefffffff!" Cried a little voice.  
"Shit, Hillary?" Joker gasped, then watched as the four year old came flying out of a room, straight past him, and into the arms of his much younger self.  
"Hey, woah! Careful there, Hills," laughed the young Joker, steadying the little girl before carefully picking her up. "Oh hell, you're getting too big for me to carry. Hey dad!"  
The older Joker watched his father walk by to give his other self a hug, and take Hillary out of his arms, telling the little girl to be careful around his big brother, because of his bones.  
"Dad?" The older Joker said.  
"He can't hear you."  
"Welcome home, Jeff."  
"Hey dad. It's great to see you guys, again."  
"Dad!" Joker hobbled over to his father, sister and himself, shouting at them.  
"You probably shouldn't do that." Saren warned.  
Ignoring Saren, Joker reached out to his Dad's shoulder, looking into his own eyes as his younger self hugged his father. Joker remembered how pleased he was to be home for Christmas, fearing his job might have stood in the way and the relief when it hadn't.  
Joker gasped when his hand went straight through his father. He tilted forward, horrified he was about to fall into, or through, these ghosts. When Saren steadied him again Joker felt a momentary relief before pulling away in anger. "What the shit is this?" Joker bellowed.  
"It's the last Christmas you ever spent with your family." Saren told him mildly. Smiling he said, "And it was a good Christmas, wasn't it? Look?"  
Joker followed Saren's pointed talon and blinked at the sudden change of scene. Now he watched as his father, sister, and his younger self, sat in the lounge together, opening Christmas presents.  
His father looked happier than Joker remembered and Hillary was squealing with delight each time she unwrapped a gift. Even the young Joker seemed to be enjoying himself.  
"You were enjoying yourself." Saren told him.  
"Wait, did I just say that out loud?"  
"No, but it doesn't matter."  
"What? You can..."  
"The point is, Moreau, you did have a good Christmas together. Yet you remember it as a difficult time."  
"It was a difficult time. It was our first Christmas without my Mother. And what the shit has it got to do with..."  
"Yes, she died, I know. However..."  
The scene changed, as if someone was flicking through videos on the extranet, and now Joker was watching himself bend down to kiss Hillary goodbye.  
"Thanks for making it this Christmas, Jeff," his father was saying, " I know how hard it was getting away. But it made all the difference for us."  
"Yeah," grinned the younger Joker, "Me too, Dad. I had a really great time."  
"Try and get away next Christmas as well then, eh? Let's make it a tradition, if we can."  
"Aww, Dad," Joker chuckled. "I'll be back before then. But yeah, you bet! No star ship could keep me away at Christmas time."  
"Shit!" Muttered the older Joker. "Why am I seeing this?" He glared at Saren. "What the fuck is all this?"  
When the scene changed and dizzied Joker, again, Saran steadied him with the promise, "Don't worry, you'll get used to that."  
"You ready, Joker?" Captain Anderson said at the cockpit door.  
Joker looked at Saren and said, "He can't hear me, right?"  
"Ah, Shit. Yep, I'm coming." The younger Joker in the pilot seat muttered as he stood. "I so hope this new XO isn't some ball breaker, uh, Sir."  
Chuckling Anderson said, "You'll find out in a minute."  
Saren followed the young Joker and Anderson out of the cockpit, "Come on," he told the older Joker, who huffed and reluctantly followed him through the airlock and straight out onto the Citadel docking bay.  
"Can anyone hear me?" Joker yelled, figuring it was worth a try. There was no response from any of the crew who were lined up either side of the Normandy's airlock door. "Shit, Pressley?" Joker was about to say more when Saren gently pulled him away, pointing a talon towards his younger self.  
"Shit, Shepard?" Joke said, watching his younger self salute their new XO, then offer her a grin when he shook her hand.  
"The first time you met Shepard, remember?" Saren asked.  
"Well, sure. I kind'a liked her straight away... Oh hell. Jenkins!" Joker noticed him a few people down from his younger self, offering a wincingly stiff salute upon Shepard's approach then eagerly shaking her hand. "Shit," Joker smiled, "I haven’t thought about this in... hell, a long time."  
"Or this, I suspect."  
This time Joker was ready and had closed his eyes to the changing scene. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready for the pounding club music that suddenly hit him, and he swore, clamping his hands over his ears. His eyes flew open to take in Purgatory, and he quickly got used to the music enough to lower his hands again.  
"Sorry about that." Saren raised his voice over the music, guiding Joker away from the dance floor and towards the marginally quieter bar. "I'd forgotten how loud these places were."  
With a deep breath Joker leaned his hand against the bar, glaring at Saren. He huffed and turned to look at the man on his left, then stepped back in shock, straight onto Saren's foot.  
"Hey, watch it!" Saren growled.  
Joker ignored him, still getting over the shock of knowing what it was like to be standing right next to yourself, looking at your own profile just inches away. Then at the back of your own head as the other you turned away, and said, in your voice that didn't sounds quite right, "Oh, hey, Commander."  
"Joker." Shepard smiled.  
The older Joker shoved Saren to the side with his elbow so he could get a better view of Shepard as he listened to a conversation he barely remembered having with her until now.  
"Get ya' a drink?"  
"I dunno, Joker," Shepard grinned, "think you can match me?"  
"Oh hell, yeah!"  
"Shit!" Joker turned to Saren with a wide eyed grin, "I remember this! I had no idea what I was getting into." He laughed, shaking his head. "I honestly thought I'd be able to drink her under the table. Oh, if only I'd known... ah man... The hangover I had the next day..."  
"It was your first Christmas away from your family."  
Jokers smile fell into a frown, "Shit, what?"  
"It was a good one, though. You bonded with Shepard that night. She had to carry you back to the ship, remember?" Saren grinned. "And because you told her how much you missed your family, and Christmas, she arranged for you to visit. Ok it was a couple of days late, but she got you there. And she arranged to put those Christmas lights up in the mess, remember that?"  
"Shit, yeah. Y'know, she hasn't done that in a long time."  
"Yes, I know. And why is that, Joker?"  
"I dunno," he shrugged, "most of the crew don't celebrate Christmas, and Shepard's family never bothered with it on Mindoir, so I guess she only really did it for..." Joker trailed off.  
"You, yes. But there's no point anymore, now you don't celebrate it, is there?"  
"No, I don't. I can't."  
"Why is that?"  
"Because I let them down." Joker seethed.  
"Who? Your family?"  
Joker watched as his Father and a much older Hillary, chatted as they opened their gifts, laughing at some.  
"Oh Shit!"  
"Hillary! Language!"  
"Sorry, Dad," she gasped, "but look what Joker got me!"  
"Oh hell," muttered Joker, tears in his eyes.  
"Oh my God! oh my God!" Hillary leapt up, jumping around the room in utter delight, "Oh Dad! He got me flying lessons! Proper ones, in a space shuttle!"  
Her Father grinned with delight, "he's been saving up all year for that. As soon as you’re fifteen you can have your lessons."  
"What!? No!! But! That's like two whole months away!"  
Joker laughed. "I knew I should have waited. Dad said all she did was pester the hell out of him for two months to let her take her lessons early. She would not accept that fifteen was the youngest she could be out in a shuttle."  
"Oh, but shit, he's the best brother ever!"  
"Hillary!" Her father chastised through his laughter.  
The scene changed again and Joker sank down into his pilot's seat, looking at the floor. "That was their last Christmas alive," Joker muttered. "She'd barely begun those lessons when..." he shook his head.  
"The Reapers hit."  
"I didn't even see them that year. And I was late for all the rest."  
"They were happy though, no?" Saren stated, "You saw that for yourself."  
"What..? I don't know what the shit I saw. Am I dead? Is this my life flashing before me or something?"  
With a sigh Saren told him, "There are two of us in here right now, and only one of us is dead. Unfortunately, it's not you."  
"Oh, right. Gee, thanks!"  
"I didn't mean it like that..."  
"And why the hell not? I mean if you're really Saren..."  
"It doesn't matter. All this, it isn't about me. You're the one who has the lessons to heed, not me. It's a bit late for me." Saren rolled his eyes.  
Joker turned away from him in disgust, trying to understand everything he had just seen. "It's your fault I never got back to my family for Christmas day! If we hadn't spent so much time chasing you across the damn Galaxy, I might have had at least one more Christmas... Dammit, why did I have to join Cerberus? Maybe if I'd... Saren?"  
Joker looked around the empty cockpit. "What the sh... Oh!" As soon as he noticed the cockpit door was open again, Joker made his way straight to the airlock. He fidgeted through its slow cycle.  
"You better put this on." Ashley Williams handed him a winter jacket.  
"Oh right, thanks... What?" Joker jerked his arm away, forgetting about the jacket as it dropped to the floor, then looked around the small airlock, wildly, like an animal trapped in a cage.  
"Jeez, Joker, chill out!" Ash grinned, rolling her eyes. "You look like you've seen a ghost."  
"Yeah another shitting ghost of Christmas past. I do not shitting believe this!"  
"Relax Joker, it's ok," Ash laughed, raising her hands to calm him much like Saren had. "I'm not here to take you back to the past."  
"Why do I not shitting well feel any comfort in that, at all?" Joker growled.  
"I'm here for the present. I mean, the present as in right now," Ash giggled, "not as in Christmas presents. Come on."  
Joker sighed, kicking the winter jacket Ash had given him away and said, "Screw this, I'm going nowhere with you."  
Ash grinned as the airlock door opened. Looking over her shoulder she said  
"Come on, will you? I don't bite."  
"Yeah, true. I can't recall you biting anyone, while you were alive! Which is kinda the point. 'Cos you're dead!"  
She simply grinned and stepped out of the airlock. Joker had to shield his eyes against the bright snow.  
"When the hell did it turn into daytime?" He opened his omni-tool then tapped it against the hatch frame. "Ah shit!"  
"That won't work for a little while." Ash called over her shoulder. "Come on, Joker. Let's have a snowball fight."  
"What?" He muttered to himself. "This is some seriously weird-ass trip I am on right no... SHIT!" He staggered backwards more at the stinging cold than the force of the snowball that hit him in the face. "Jesus!"  
"I told you you'd need that Jacket," laughed Ash.  
With a shiver Joker snatched up the jacket, angrily putting it on as he followed Ash. "Shit. Snow! I hate snow."  
"Why? Because it reminds you of Christmas?"  
"What? No!" Joker rolled his eyes. "Apart from it being cold and wet, it's damn dangerous to walk in. Especially for me!"  
"Ah, don't worry, Joker. You won't break any bones today."  
"Why, you gonna tell me I'm made of rubber now? 'Cos you know what, right now, I'd actually believe you!"  
"Hey," Ash said, walking away, quickly, "Is that... Ooh, is that Thane?"  
Looking around Joker spotted the figure in a crew jacket, and hobbled through the snow after Ash. "Hey, Thane!" Joker yelled as soon as they got close.  
"No point, mate." Ash grinned.  
"Yeah, right. We're invisible, of course." Joker took in a slow resigned breath and let it out gently. He was pleased to note this settlement felt less Christmassy during the daytime. He could see the strings of Christmas lights and other ornaments, but they seemed more benign when they were switched off.  
"Benign? What kind of way is that to think about Christmas stuff?"  
"I don't suppose there's any chance I said that out loud is there?"  
"No, you just thought it, but the point is why? Why see Christmas as such an awful time?"  
"Oh 'cmon Ash, you mean you don't psychically know?"  
"Ah, damn," Ash shook her head with a wry smile, "you got me. But it doesn't matter what I know, does it? It's what you know that counts. And did you know you are a seriously miserable piece of work at Christmas? A real pain in the ass!"  
Joker spluttered, about to argue when Ash shushed him and pointed towards Shepard, who was looking straight at them.  
"Hey, Commander?" Joker waved.  
"Hey Thane." Shepard smiled, looking around at the snow. "I must introduce you to the art of the snowball fight before we leave Joab."  
Pushing his hood back slightly Thane grinned, bent to quickly scoop up some snow, pushing it together in his hands before throwing it at Shepard.  
"Hey!" She turned slightly, as the snowball exploded against her arm. "Oh hell, she giggled. "I can't decide if you're getting faster in your old age, or if you have an unfair advantage being as it's morning and I've only had one coffee."  
"Hmm," Thane rumbled, his smile quickly falling as he rubbed his cold hands together, already regretting coming outside without his gloves.  
"With a sigh Shepard stepped in front of Thane, looking him in the eye to say, "Ok, enough is enough. You are going to tell me what's been bothering you. And do not tell me there's nothing, because I will divorce your ass for lying to me!"  
"You go, girl!" Joker grinned. Then looked at Ash to quickly ask, "They definitely can't hear us, right?"  
Ash shook her head. "Now shush, I wanna hear this. They seem so sweet together."  
"Siha I..." Thane considered his words for a moment. "My apologies, I have not been very good company for you for many days, have I? It's just that, my... concerns are minor. I did not wish to burden you with a... ah, passing..."  
"God dammit Thane, will you just spit it out already? I'm your wife. It doesn't matter how minor this is, it matters to me. I love you. We've always said we wouldn't keep secrets, right?"  
"Forgive me. I had no idea how concerned you were." Thane took Shepard's hand.  
"Quads! You're hand is freezing!" Shepard took off her gloves, quickly pushing them into a pocket and wrapping both her hands around his to share her warmth.  
Thane looked at her and said, "Every day I thank the God's for blessing me with your love, my warrior-angel."  
"Awww, is that what he calls her? Oh God, that's so sweet!" Ash whispered.  
"Yes, and can you stop?" Joker whispered back, "You're making me want to puke."  
"Jeez, last of the great romantics aren't you?"  
"Ash?"  
"What?"  
"Why are you whispering?"  
"I dunno," Ash spoke loudly then told him to shush again.  
"Siha, I apologise. I am but an old fool."  
"Why are you saying that, Thane? Your nobody's fool, and your certainly not old!"  
"I will be... fifty next year."  
"So? Wait, Thane? Um, that's... not what this is about is it? Is that why you have been a bit, er, depressed lately?"  
"Oh, I have not been depressed..."  
"Oh shit!" Joker, started laughing, "No way!"  
"Shush." Ash insisted.  
"Oh, this is priceless!"  
"What is?"  
"Thane," Joker snorted, "seems drell's have mid-life crises' too! Shit."  
"Well what's funny about that?"  
"Oh, come on! It's Thane!" Joker flapped his hand towards Thane, before quickly pulling it back in case he got too close and passed through Thane like he did his father. "What could be funnier than that big, old stoic-but-cuddly drell worried about getting wrinkles and his ass going south. Urg, actually, no, hell no! That's something I don't even want to think about."  
"Will you shut up, Joker!"  
"What? You asked."  
"Shush, damn it."  
"...to me." Shepard was saying. "That I can promise you."  
Thane smiled. "Thank you, Siha. I appreciate your words. As I said, I am being foolish."  
"You could never be that. Come on, let's go inside. you can tell me how you’re getting on with this bike."  
"Oh God! I missed what she said." Ash scowled at Joker.  
"Who cares? What the shit is going on anyway? I mean, I'm sorry the drell's depressed about getting old n'all. Maybe he shouldn't have married a woman nearly ten year younger than him, I dunno." he shrugged, "But why the hell do I have to, like, see all this?" Another thought struck Joker and he asked, "Hang on, how come no one's missed me? I mean, I'm guessing there isn't another me asleep in the pilot's seat or anything?" He looked over at the Normandy.  
"Nope." was all Ash offered then the scene changed again.

-

"Good morning, Joe." Miranda's smile was predatory as she sidled up to his table. "Or should I saw Shaun?"  
"Ah," he smiled, "well, it never was much of a secret anyway."  
"So why change it?"  
Joe shrugged, "I dunno. I guess Joe Black sounded cooler than Shawn Black, and the Illusive Man seemed to like it."  
"Well, you know his nickname for you was Death, right? Which seemed to amuse him."  
"Really?" Joe grinned, "Cool. Jeez, he was a dick!"  
Joker snorted, telling Ash, "Hey, I like this guy... well... sort of... Aah, what do I know... Why did the Illusive Man call him death?" Joker asked.  
With a shrug Ash said, "Obvious, isn't it."  
"Er, nooo..."  
"God, Joker!" Ash rolled her eyes. "Joe Black! it's another name for Death, y'know, the Reaper. Er, Grim Reaper I mean, not the Reapers."  
"Wait," Joker shook his head. "So, you're telling me that I'm invisible, standing next to a dead woman, and I'm looking at Death straight in the face?" Joker looked at Joe. "Who is currently blushing because Miranda's just mentioned Jack. So Death has the hots for Jack? Huh, figures." He looked at Ashley, "Hey Ash did you hear me?" Joker huffed. "Seriously, this Joe guy, do I need to worry..? Ash!"  
Her attention was turned towards someone else who was entering the small mess. "God!" Ash said, smiling. "It's sure nice to see the doc, again."  
"Morning, everyone!" Chakwas greeted. "I hope you don't mind me gate crashing, but I thought I might like to see this antique machine of yours, if I may?"  
"Bloody hell," Zaeed said, "I didn't have you down as someone who'd be interested in old tech."  
"To be honest, I'm not, not really. But it so happens one of my ancestors raced bikes. In fact he was one of the last humans to race on the roads before technology changed and the use of fossil fuel was finally done away with. So I could hardly pass up this opportunity to see this machine in real life, now could I?"  
"Oh, don't worry, Doc," James grinned. "If things work out, you're going to see plenty of that bike."  
"Oh? I am intrigued."  
"It's in pieces, right now," Groff leaned back in his chair, absent mindedly stroking the false fur trim of the Santa hat he wore, "but give us a couple of days and she'll run, I'm sure of it."  
"Not if you don't get some sleep tonight," Chakwas chastised Groff. "I know some of you have been up all night and I am not one to give out stims lightly!"  
Joker sniggered, "Y'know, I could kinda get used to being a fly on the wall." He noticed Jack cross the room.  
"Hey, Joe," Jack said, sitting next to him.  
"Oh, uh, hi Jack!" Joe sat up with a grin, trying to hide the fact he was suddenly  
flustered.  
"So I hear you got a bit of a thing for me, huh?"  
"Uh, I, I, I..."  
Grinning, Miranda left the table and walked straight towards Joker, who quickly dodged to one side and winced as he observed her walk straight through Ashley.  
"Shit..."  
"Shush!" Ash hissed.  
Joker turned his wide eyes back to Jack as she said, "Well," she shrugged, "your kinda cool, I guess. Maybe when we get back to the Normandy you can show me some more of your art shit. If you're interested just let me know. K? If not, whatever."  
With that Jack stood and left Joe reeling over the unexpected words from a woman he had admired from afar for many years.  
Ash laughed. "I really like her for some reason. Groff's a bit strange, though. It must be weird having a batarian aboard. Hell, I thought it was weird when Wrex joined the Normandy."  
"Oh shit, you're not telling me Wrex is gonna pop up any minute now are you?"  
"No," Ash smiled, looking around at the team. Slowly her smile fell, "I miss you, guys." With a sigh her smile returned and she said, "Sorry, Joker. God, not like me to get all sentimental. Come on, were wasting time."  
"To do what?"  
"Learn something."  
They were on the Normandy in the Comms room.  
"Gah!" Joker grimaced.  
"Yeah, I know," Ash sympathised, "takes a bit of getting used to when everything changes in a heartbeat like that, doesn't it. It's kind of like dying."  
Joker grimaced. "Like, I wanna know that?"  
"We know of one early ship that disappeared in that area," Admiral Anderson's avatar said. "Could be that part of their cargo was smuggled machines, maybe a motorcycle or two. It seems a lot of smuggling was going on when all the early tech started getting scrapped. I guess some people wanted to preserve history, others hoped to make credits when the tech became rare."  
"So," Shepard said, "mystery solved?"  
"We're still looking into it, but a lot has been lost to history. Maybe your archaeologist friend can find more evidence of ship debris to confirm the theory?"  
"Yeah, his team will start looking, as soon as this project is finished."  
Anderson chuckled, "It sound's fun, wish I was there. Anything else to report?"  
"Er, not really. Maybe... one small concern." Shepard shrugged a shoulder.  
"Oh?"  
"It's Joker."  
"Me?" Joker put his hands on his hips, "What did I do?"  
"I dunno," Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'm probably making a big deal out of this. It just seems he's worse than ever this year. He gets worse every year to be honest."  
"I do?"  
"Hmm," Anderson said. "His psyche profile hinted at trouble, after he refused to finish his therapy after the war. The psychologist decided it was better not to push it in the hope he might work things through."  
"He did, pretty much. But honestly, Anderson, he gets more like Scrooge every year."  
"Scrooge?"  
"Oh, sorry, something Kasumi called him. I can't remember why now. I guess it means a Christmas grouch."  
"Eh?" Joker spluttered. "I'm not a grouch..!" He caught the sharp look Ash gave him and protested, "Seriously, I'm not that bad!" It was getting hot and Joker unzipped his jacket, about to take it off, when the scene changed again and they were back out in the snow. "Oh, shit, yeah, nice, thanks for that," Joker muttered, zipping his jacket back up with a huff.  
"Do you get it, yet?" Ash said.  
"What? Get what? If you mean do I get what's going on? No, not a shitting clue. Except maybe I'm dead, and 'cos I wasn't exactly a great person alive, I am in Christmas hell with you playing the devil!"  
"That's not even funny, Joker!" Ash snapped.  
"Does it look like I'm laughing?" Joker yelled. "If you're really you, then you’re supposed to be a Christian or something, and that's about helping people and shit, isn't it? So help me out here, already!"  
"I am trying to help. God, for the galaxy's best pilot you can be seriously dense sometimes." Ash walked away out of the main settlement just as it started snowing.  
"Shit!" Joker huffed, following her along the snowy path now well worn by many feet. "Where are we going, now?"  
Ash didn't answer straight away, and was too far away to see clearly as the snow came down harder. Eventually Joker caught up with her, and looked at the deep hole she stood on the lip of.  
"That's where they found the bike." Ash told him.  
"So?"  
With a sigh she said, "Do me a favour would you, Joker?"  
"Er, I'll try, if I can, assuming you can actually do favours for ghosts."  
"Take care of yourself, please?"  
Joker laughed nervously, "Oh c'mon, please, this is... Ash?" He turned, looking around him. "Ash? Ashley..? Hey Williams!" Visibility was down to just mere feet in front of him, and he couldn't find the path anymore. All he could discern was the hole Ash had shown him, and he began to consider using it as shelter after checking his omni-tool to see it still didn't work.  
"What the shit?"

-

"Bloody bollocks!" Zaeed muttered, picking the bike back upright, and slowly pushing it back to where his companions waited.  
"You ok, Zaeed?" Jack limped slightly as she walked towards him.  
"Yeah, scraped my bloody hand is all."  
"Well, this is loco!" James grumped, as tired as the rest of the team who had been working on the bike. "All that work and none of us can drive the thing."  
"It's ‘ride’ the thing," corrected Joe, glumly.  
"At this rate," Groff muttered, rubbing his shoulder which was still sore from the dislocation Doctor Chakwas had to repair, "either one of us, or the bike, will end up seriously beyond repair. All that new fairing is already battered. It's not going to look all shiny tomorrow."  
"Fuck what the stupid thing looks like!" Jack grumped. "Who could ride it! It's uncontrollable; I mean who would want to ride the stupid thing? It's stupid! It twisted my ankle, for fucks sake."  
Miranda quietly shook her head.  
"Your very lucky, Jack," Thane said. "The way you were thrown off the bike, it could have been much worse. You were fortunate that Zaeed and Joe made you wear armour..."  
"Hey! No one made me!"  
"Yet," Thane continued, mildly, "I believe the armour contributed to your accident. It is... unsuitable for a motorcycle."  
"Yeah," James said, "we already get that it's clunky. Nothin' we can do about it. It's way too risky without some serious protection on that damn thing."  
"Agreed. But I carefully observed as each of you tried riding the bike." Thane blinked, looking down as if reviewing a memory. "I believe we need the ability to feel the controls through our hands and feet better."  
"Of course!" Joe perked up. "Our ancestors must have had a a better feel for these machines."  
"Indeed," Thane smiled, "a natural feel to those humans who were accustomed to this type of transportation. Unlike those of us, who are used to a more intuitive and less... exposed way of travelling."  
"Hey," Joe said, "I wonder if Joker could..." he trailed off when everyone shook their heads then tried, "I just thought… being a pilot..."  
"Seriously, man, no way," James chuckled, "Joker would shatter like a porcelain doll."  
"Oh, crap, yeah," Joe brought his hand up to his forehead for a second, "I forgot about that."  
"Shame," Groff said. "It might put the smile back on the grumpy bastards face."  
"Maybe one of the shuttle pilots?" Garrus said, approaching them with EDI, "As for Joker, he was last seen in a sulk days ago and no one's gone near him since."  
"I have observed much of the crew appear... intolerant of Joker's current mood," EDI told them. "He is... annoying people?"  
"Well," Garrus began, "Not exactly. I suppose..."  
"Actually," Thane admitted, "I have been a little... annoyed with him. I cannot understand why a usually happy being can become so..." Thane searched for the right word.  
"Sullen?" Miranda offered.  
"Miserable." James said.  
"A fucking pain in the depressive ass." Jack added. "Hey, you could ride the bike couldn't you EDI? It would be easy for you, right?"  
"Perhaps, but I cannot. I have other things to attend to." With that EDI left them and returned inside.  
"She's pretty upset about Joker," Garrus explained, "and no, I am not going to ride that thing."  
"I will attempt it," Thane announced. "But first, he looked down at his leather coat," I believe a little historical research into more suitable biking attire is required."  
"Oh?" Garrus tilted his head.  
"What you got in mind, Thane?" Zaeed asked.  
"Let us go and take another look at some of those pictures Liara and Kasumi managed to find for us, and I'll explain." Thane smiled as he led them all back inside, wondering if this was similar how it must be to feel like a kid at Christmas.

-

When the scenery around Joker changed again, what he saw was so bizarre and unexpected, he ended up kneeling down to touch the white tiles of the floor, wondering if they felt as solid as they looked.  
He stood up slowly when he saw who was approaching and couldn't help his smile, "Oh shit! Legion?"  
"Joker, Flight Lieutenant," came the geths gentle voice. "It is a pleasure to see you, again."  
"I... Kinda wanna say the same to you, only I'm having a little trouble getting my head around these reunions."  
"I understand." Legion said, his ocular flaps rising, "Welcome to the consensus."  
"The... wait, isn't this where the Commander came to destroy the Heretics like, years ago?"  
"This is a version of that place, yes."  
"And I'm here because..?"  
"Unlike when the Commander joined the consensus, you are not here to destroy anything, but rather to... save..." Legions flaps lowered and he looked at the floor.  
"Save what, Legion? Oh c'mon, you can't stop there. Tell me what's going on. What am I here to save?"  
Legion looked up and in a gentle voice, answered, "Yourself, Joker. You are here to save yourself."  
"What? What kind of crazy talk is that? Shit, please tell me you're not gonna start singing Daisy Bell."  
"I have no reference to... I do not understand..."  
"Oh, forget it, doesn't matter. So ok, I've had Saren show me the past, Ash the present, so I guess you're here to show me the future, right?"  
"Yes."  
Joker's smile fell. "Oh... Shit... really?"  
"This way," Legion motioned with his arm, and as he walked past Joker, steps appeared in front of him, rising up from the black abyss below. "Don't worry, Joker. You are quite safe. You will not fall."  
"Shit," Joker grumped as he began to descend the stairs after Legion, "Never mind falling. There better not be too many of these things. Me and stairs don't exactly get along, you know - even with the leg braces."  
After only a few steps Legion led Joker down a tiled path, which turned left toward a large orange ball, which Legion called a 'node'. Waiting for Joker to catch up, Legion explained, "In order for you to witness your future, I have to access this node. It is where many of our memories are stored."  
"Wait, memories? Your memories are of my future? How can..?"  
"Not exactly, no. It is... very difficult to explain the consensus to an organic, and unfortunately, there is no time right now."  
"Er... right," Joker scoffed, crossing his arms. "Well, doesn't that make everything crystal clear."  
"Really?"  
Rolling his eyes, Joker said, "No, Legion, I was being... Oh, just forget it."  
After lifting his ocular flaps in confusion for a moment, Legion said, "I must access this node. Please do not be alarmed. I will return in a moment."  
Joker sighed, resigned to seeing through whatever all of this was. He expected to watch Legion walk back the way they came. But instead, he simply vanished, literally winking of sight even faster than Kasumi could.  
"Er... Le..." Joker jumped at the sound of conversation next to him, then realised the node had become a Quantum Entanglement platform, which was relaying a scene inside a garage, with the avatars of Groff and Thane.  
"What the hell is Thane wearing?" Joker muttered.  
"His new leathers," Legion said from beside him.  
Joker didn't jump. He decided nothing would surprise him, ever again.  
"Oh shit, this isn't the future! It's now. Look, Groff's still wearing that damn Santa hat!"  
"It is tomorrow," Legion said, quietly. "Perhaps you should listen."  
With a huff, Joker turned his attention to the scene in front of him.  
"Ready?" Thane smiled, "I am... unsure."  
"You can't pull out on us now, Thane!" Groff smiled. "Especially not after all the trouble we went to sorting you out some bike leathers. Personally I think you did yourself a favour. Black suits you."  
"It does?"  
"Hmm, Joe did a nice design on them, too. I like the red motif. I might have to get him to design me some." Groff grinned.  
"I will have to teach you to ride first," Thane smirked.  
"Ah, it's so unfair you can learn stuff so quick just by watching and a bit of practice."  
"Actually, once you get the hang of it, it is quite intuitive." Thane walked over to the bike, revealing the machine to Joker for the first time."  
"Shit! Wow, they rebuilt that thing? And Thane's riding it? No way!"  
"It should have been you. But they did not ask you as it was felt you were unable to enjoy... anything."  
"What, like having all my bones crushed when I crashed that thing. Oh sure, yeah, that sounds like my kinda fun!"  
"There was that consideration, of course."  
"And I guess," Groff was saying, "It won't hurt your ego any, at least assuming you don't crash." he grinned.  
"I have no intention of crashing Groff. Not after the work we have put into restoring this machine." Thane smiled, then with a sigh he added, "And I suppose it is no secret I have been having... ah, certain issues with... getting older... perhaps."  
"Just be glad you're not a Salarian. Anyway, if I looked like you in those leathers, I don't think I'd have any issues about anything, ever again. Oh..." Groff fished around in his pockets, before finally saying, "here."  
Thane easily caught what Groff had thrown. "Shades?"  
"Yup! Put them on, you'll look proper biker bad-ass, trust me."  
Thane did as he was asked.  
"Holy shit!" Joker giggled, "I am seriously never going to think of him as that cuddly drell, again. He actually looks pretty cool."  
"Yup," Groff nodded. "That's the look! Hell, I almost fancy you myself!"  
The image vanished.  
"That's it?" Joker asked, "So what was the point of that? What? Thane gets over his mid-life crisis by getting a bike? Shit I know loads of guy's who hit fifty and played around on hover bikes for a while. So what?"  
Legion was already walking away, following the path that constructed itself piece by piece just ahead of him.  
"What the shitting hell has this all got to do with me?"  
As if Joker hadn't asked these questions, Legion said, "I have yet to read a consensus over human proclivity towards your machines and the way you allow them to affect your life, even growing affection for them. Though I am, of course, grateful."  
Legion's confession threw Joker for a while and they walked in silence along the self-building walkways and stairs. At the next node Joker waited for Legion to vanish, and watched as the node changed into another scene.  
At first, the only thing Joker could see was snow, then three figures approached, calling, "Joker?"  
"That's the Commander." Joker frowned. "What's going on?"  
They watched in silence, until Legion finally said, "It was realised you were missing, just before Thane was due to take the bike out. He... never did get to ride it, after all."  
"Oh, nice. Yeah, just great. It took them three days to figure out I was missing? Oh, how I feel loved."  
"No, not exactly. As far as they are all concerned, you have been present all the time, mostly keeping yourself to yourself in your cabin."  
"But, I haven't... er, have I?"  
"You have been to many places. Would you like to know what happens?"  
"Er, ok."  
"Very well. And... Joker?" Legion looked at him. "Please, do not be... alarmed."  
"Why?" Joker said warily as Legion turned back to the scene.  
"Over 'ere!" Zaeed called out.  
They watched as Zaeed climbed into the excavated hole where Joker had last seen Ash.  
"Hell no!" Shepard pulled off her hood, looking aghast into the hole. "Where's Chakwas?" she bellowed.  
"Coming," shouted a far off voice.  
"It's no bloody good," Zaeed said desperately, crouching over a body. "Bollocks, no! Somebody help me get him out of here!"  
When Zaeed heaved the body over his shoulder, Joker gasped, stepping back and turning away. The image faded.  
"That wasn't shitting me!"  
"I am sorry Joker, it was. They found your body too late to save you."  
"There is no way am I dead! Shit! Unbelievable!" he said, angrily. "I shitting well knew I was dead!"  
"No Joker, you are not dead. This is the future you are seeing, remember? It is still a day away."  
"What? So all of this is to do what? Stop me getting myself lost and freezing to death?"  
"Unfortunately, you are already lost, Joker. You become lost every year, at the same time."  
"Oh no, not the Christmas thing, again."  
"The consequences of your... attitude towards the human holiday are quite far reaching. You are being given an opportunity to... address this issue, before it is too late."  
Joker considered this a moment, then eyed Legion, saying, "Shit just got serious."  
"Exactly."  
Joker quietly hobbled along after Legion in silence, down the freshly built steps, around a newly formed corner, and on towards the next node.  
Joker shook his head at the new scene in front of him. "Seriously, you want me to watch my own funeral now?" He glared at all the alliance soldiers in dress uniform, the many civilians wearing black. "Like seeing my own dead body wasn't enough?"  
"No, this is not your funeral. This is many months later and is a memorial service."  
"A..?" The bile began to rise in Jokers throat as the mourners began to leave, revealing the monument. The large bronze Normandy remained forever in flight above the column of names, underneath which stated, 'For All Who Served On Her'.  
"I... don't understand. That's not... They wouldn't... Just for me..?"  
"Read the names, Joker." Legion said, solemnly.  
"Commander... Oh hell, no!" Joker turned away.  
Legion bowed his head. He didn't need to see the monument to know the names. "Commander Shepard-Krios. Thane Krios. XO Miranda Lawson. Doctor Liara T'Soni. Professor Groff. EDI..."  
"Enough!" Joker bellowed. When he looked at the monument again his eyes watered, and he turned his back. "Shit no, please Legion, don't."  
"I am sorry, Joker." Legion told him gently. He waited until the scene turned back into a memory node and explained, "Your death - it caused theirs."  
"Oh shitting hell no!" Joker began to walk away, blindly following the direction of the path as it constructed itself in front of him.  
Legion followed, explaining, "I understand this is an unbearable burden to you. But you must know, there is time yet to change this outcome."  
"How?" Joker rounded on him, wiping away hot tears. "And don't give me any shitting riddles or I swear I'll kick the shit out of you until your light bulb goes dim permanently!"  
Legions ocular flaps flew up momentarily, before he calmly stated. "You must not die, Joker."  
With a furious look Joker took a step forward, and Legion took a step back. His voice remained gentle, but he spoke a little faster. "You refuse to spend any time with your crewmates, due to your... difficulties. You harbour a great deal of guilt, which has built up over time, and changed your perception of the past. You blame yourself, believing you are responsible for making your family unhappy. Your belief is that you... failed them. Yet, it is they who were able to accept your absence during the end of your Earth years, your Christmas times, as do the families of every alliance soldier who works in deep space. Joker, your opportunity to one day return to your family for Christmas was cut short, and you have been unable to forgive yourself for the events of a past you cannot change. You are blind to the simple fact; the past does not need changing. It was still a much happier time for your father and sister than you will allow yourself to recall."  
Suddenly feeling exhausted, Joker sagged then sat on the floor. He thought of all those excited vid calls he received from Hillary as soon as she could thank him for that particular years’ awesome gift. He always worried he was rubbish at buying gifts, but somehow he always managed to get the exact thing Hillary wanted most of all.  
"Material things don't change the absence." Legion said.  
Joker just sighed, deciding to just accept the whole mind reading shit.  
"Yet," Legion continued. "Wasn't it Shepard Commander herself who always made sure you returned home at the earliest opportunity, often only days into your Earths new year?"  
"Well, we were on Tiptree by then actually, but yeah. Now you mention it, I did usually get back in time to see the Christmas decorations still up. Including," he snorted, "that battered old angel that sat on top of the tree. The one I made when I was, like, six!" With a nod he said, "Yeah, it was the Commander who usually wangled us some unexpected leave as close to Christmas as possible, even back when she was XO."  
"Yet, each year you have grown ever more bias towards a negative way of thinking, and it has caused you to close yourself off from your friends at this time, ever more each year, until it was finally fatal."  
At that, Jokers eyes shot up to Legion. "How? In the snow? Shit, it was Ash who lured me there in the first place! I would have been safe if I'd been left alone on the ship!"  
"No, joker. You could not prowl the Normandy after it had landed, feeling trapped within the negative thoughts that had built up over the years. You decided a walk would do you good, but there was a blizzard and you became... lost. If you had remembered past Christmases more clearly, you would have been safe, enjoying your time with your ship mates."  
"What, instead of killing them all in the freezing snow or something?"  
"They did not die with you, Joker. Their deaths occur in just over a year's time. The crew are the only people ever to have a bleak Christmas due to your absence, and then they die."  
"Oh jeez, don't pull any punches will ya, Legion!"  
"I... do not understand."  
"Shit, join the club. Just tell me what happens!"  
"The pilot who replaces you was unable to manoeuvre the Normandy fast enough in a fire fight with several enemy vessels. When the Normandy crashes into one of the enemy ships, there is no time for any of the crew to reach an escape pod. There is... an explosion. It is very quick."  
"Huh, well I always said I was the best damn pilot..." With a huff, Joker looked down at the carpet to hide his tears and asked, "So what do I..." He frowned, moving his foot to see more of the carpet. Looking up he wasn't really surprised to see Legion had gone. He stood slowly, having trouble believing he was in his cabin. He jumped when the door chimed.  
"Shit, now what?" He approached the door then sagged when it opened. "Oh yeah, right. Well, forgive me if I'm not surprised to see Death at my door!"  
Joe blinked, a little taken aback, "Er, well, yeah, ok." He shrugged. "Not like I haven't heard that one before. Look, I know I'm probably stepping out of line here, but I'm a bit of a fan of yours and, I dunno, I thought I'd probably kick myself or something if I didn't pop in and, y'know, say hello. I don't suppose you want to come and see the bike do you?"  
"What?"  
"The... uh, Commander Shepard said it would be ok for me to..."  
"Wait, you mean, you're not actually Death come to take me to an icy grave?" Joe frowned. "Er... heh. Ok, I knew you had a sense of humour, so, heh, yeah, good one."  
"Oh shit! You're really not Death, are you? It's not actually too late yet, is it?"  
"Er, no though I'd hurry if I were you. Thane's getting ready, now... Oops, I shouldn't have said that. Damn it! No one is supposed to know who's riding the bike. Sorry."  
Suddenly Joker was out the door, pushing Joe forwards, "Hah, no worries, I get it. Come on, let's go! Shit, I better get a jacket... damn it, where'd my jacket go? I'll see you out there Joe. Tell them not to start without me!"

-

When Joker shot out of the airlock the first thing he noticed was that it had stopped snowing. The second thing he noticed was Shepard coming towards him. "Hey Commander!" he grinned brightly, "How cool is this? It's stopped snowing."  
Taken aback to see Joker and his smile, Shepard stopped, "Er, it's not snowed since we arrived here Joker. Something you might have noticed if you'd dragged yourself outta your grave these last couple of days."  
"Oh shit, Commander, " Joker chuckled. "That's not nearly as funny as you think it is."  
"Ok, out with it, Joker. The mood you've been in this last week… you must have pulled some particularly big joke on someone to be in such a good mood now."  
"Ha, let's just say the joke could well be on me, but whatever. I've decided not to be such miserable bastard, anymore. No more... oh hell what did you call it?"  
Shepard shook her head.  
"When you were talking to Anderson, Kasumi called me it... oh Scrooge, that's it. I'm not gonna be a Scrooge anymore."  
As if on cue the squares Christmas lights all came to life at once.  
"Holy shit!" Joker laughed. "Hey cheers Saren, or Ash, or Legion, or whoever the fuc..." He stopped shouting when he saw the surprised concern on Shepard's face. "Sorry," he said, "Look, I'll explain later. For now, we have a bike to watch being unveiled, right?"  
"Er," Shepard considered Joker for a moment, then relaxed, smiling, "It's good to see you joining the living again..."  
"Oh, shit, so not funny!" Joker laughed.  
"You go ahead. I have some work to do and I already got a peek at the bike." She shrugged, "It's cool, the crew had fun, but I have a rep..."  
"Oh no, you don't!" Joker put a hand on her shoulder and forcefully steered her around, "The report can wait."  
"Joker! What the quads has gotten into you?" Shepard asked, refusing to more.  
With a sigh, he said, "Honestly? Christmas has gotten into me. I mean, it's gonna take a bit of time, but, shit, Commander, I miss our Christmases together."  
She smiled warmly at this, "Me too Joker. But..."  
"No buts, not now. Now, we have a bike to go see. Trust me, Commander, you will not want to miss this. I know things!"  
Puzzled, Shepard allowed the vastly cheered up Joker to steer her back the way she had come.

-

The team had forged out a long flat surface on the snow, gritted for plenty of grip and to stop the snow becoming icy. The bikes tires weren't exactly made of rubber anymore, but they were close enough, and would grip adequately on their makeshift road. Night time was slowly beginning to set in and already the road was floodlit as the last of the few colonists gathered along one side of the wide strip.  
They were a little confused as to why they were there, not unlike most of the Normandy crew, including Shepard herself. She hadn't seen many of her squad mates who had been working on this bike over the last few days. Even Thane seemed happiest when tinkering with his new toy and she had found herself alone at night, wondering if this may actually be what he needed to cheer himself up, a new challenge or distraction. Or if there was something more she could do to help. Preferably something that wouldn't keep him away from their bed at night for the first time since they were married.  
"Oh fuck, you are so gonna love this!" Jack announced, joining her and Joker. At Joker she added, "Hey, it might even put a smile on your miserable chops!"  
With a grin Joker said, "Ah, just seeing you did that already Jack, look," he pointed to his mouth.  
Frowning, Jack crossed her arms, "Fuck, your weird!"  
"So," Shepard said, "what's going on, Jack? Why are we standing outside in the freezing cold?"  
"Ah, don't worry, Shepard, you'll see soon enough." Jack smirked. "Hey, I'm guessing Thane still gets you hot right?"  
"Uh... I..."  
"Well trust me when I say, you ain’t gonna be cold for long."  
"She's got that right." Miranda muttered with a smile, as she also appeared.  
"See, look." Jack laughed. "He even made Miranda wet. And she's as dry as a crusty old..."  
"Oh, woah, Jack!" Joker almost yelled. "No need to labour that particular point."  
"Wait, what?" Shepard frowned. "Miranda has the hots for Thane? Why?"  
Jack scowled at Shepard, "Aren't you married to him? You have to ask?"  
Shepard huffed, "I didn't mean it like that, Jack."  
"Oh, I wouldn't worry, Commander," Miranda smirked, "even Groff has the hots for Thane, right now."  
"What?" Shepard shook her head, half laughing, and half contemplating grabbing someone - anyone - by the scruff of the neck to demand they make some sense. But the large garage doors began to open and there was a sudden deafening roar as an engine, the like no one had ever heard before, was revved a few times.  
Though she was many metres away, Shepard made out the silhouettes of Groff and Joe inside the garage, but not who was on the bike between them. Its engine chugged in a quick meaty sound, making her pulse quicken in the same pleasant rhythm.  
"Oh, way to go, guys," Shepard breathed, grinning and nodding her pleasure. "You actually got it working!"  
"Yeah, wait until you see it though, Shepard!" Miranda insisted, her eyes fixed on the bike.  
Suddenly the bikes lights came on and its engine revved one more time before the biker lifted his foot off the floor and the bike shot forwards. Smoothly increasing speed, Shepard was fascinated by how the rider controlled the machine, twisting his right hand, pulling a clunky leaver back with his left, pushing at something with his left foot, all the while picking up speed. The engine's noise increased, fell away, then increased again as the bike came towards them.  
When it shot past Shepard, she, like everyone, whipped her head around quickly, and found herself applauding. Suddenly, she realised they were witnessing a piece of human history brought to life. It was only when the biker stuck his foot out briefly as he u-turned, that it dawned on her this was more like galactic history, also being made. Shepard had been so busy looking at the bike, spellbound by the noise it made and how it looked, that she only just realised the implications of seeing both Groff and Joe in the garage. If neither of them were on the bike..?  
The biker came towards them again, this time from the left, but instead of shooting by as before, he brought the bike to a rapid stop, right beside Shepard. Gunning the bikes engine, he turned to look straight at Shepard, and her jaw dropped when she recognised the eyes behind the repainted N7  
helmet.  
Sitting up as the bike purred beneath him, Thane took off his helmet, and handed it to Shepard.  
She took it, looking him up and down as Thane reached into a pocket, and slipped some shades on, before crossing his arms while he waited for her.  
Leaning towards her, Jack said, "Now tell me your not feeling horny as hell!"  
Sighing, Miranda said, "I can see why people used to ride those things now, that's for sure."  
Putting the slightly oversized helmet onto her head Shepard looked at Thane to tell him, and everyone else, "I am so not feeling the cold, right now."  
"Oh shit!" Joker shook his head, "and to think I nearly actually missed this by crawling off to die in a pit!"  
When Shepard got on the back of the bike, Thane put his shades away, gunned the engine, offered a casual nod to the team, then swung the bike around and rode away.

-

"You've cheered up a hell of a lot son," Zaeed observed once they had all gathered in the meeting hall for an impromptu Christmas party. All except Thane and Shepard.  
Joker smiled, "Yeah. I figured it was time to stop moping around. Anyway, seeing Thane ride that bike... Shit, the drell's a natural."  
"Bloody right, he is! He should keep the damn thing. Hey Joe."  
Joe looked up and came over, as Zaeed asked, "So what happens to the bike, now?"  
"Well, assuming Thane ever brings it back," he chuckled, "Were hoping to find a museum that will keep it as it is. Maybe be able to find someone who can give demo rides."  
"Worth a fortune, eh?"  
"Well," Joe shrugged, "I guess. It's a beautiful piece of art. I dunno, the money would be nice, but I'd be happy to give it to anyplace that will keep it in the condition it's in now."  
With a slap on Joes shoulder, Joker said, "Good for you. And, shit, merry Christmas!"  
Joe and Zaeed raised their glasses, as the sentiment rippled around the room.

-

Pulling her lips away from Thane's, Shepard took a deep breath, looking him up and down for the umpteenth time.  
"You approve then Siha?"  
"Gah, bibble!" Shepard giggled. She had been speechless from the moment she saw Thane, and still struggled for words every time she looked at him, even though they had been sitting on the bike together, stargazing for the last hour.  
Thane nodded, "Then it is decided. I shall keep these leathers from now on."  
"Oh, drool!" She said, making him laugh.  
"If I had known all I needed was a new coat to feel... myself again, I would have simply bought one."  
"So, it's the coat not the bike?"  
"Oh," Thane placed a gentle hand on the bike beneath him, "this machine is unsophisticated, unwieldy and very dangerous. Your ancestors clearly knew how to enjoy themselves." Thane grinned. "This bike is a beautiful machine, but impractical for life on the Normandy. Joe will ensure she goes to a good home, so others can enjoy her."  
"She, her? I'm jealous."  
"But she is a nice Christmas present for you, I suspect?"  
"Ooh, now there's a thought. How about we go back to the Normandy and I unwrap you?"  
"Hmm," Thane rumbled, "I think I would like to be... unwrapped. But first we must return this bike to Joe."  
"Oh hell, yeah. We'd better make an appearance soon, I suppose."  
"Indeed. You must be cold, Siha. We have been sitting here some time."  
"Honestly, Thane, if I get any hotter sitting here next to you, I'm going to damn well melt!"  
"Hmm," Thane rumbled again, "Don't tempt me to unzip your jacket Siha, or we may..." Before Thane could finish, Shepard had thrown her jacket open, and was already working on Thane's.

-

Joe looked at the floor, embarrassed at the applause after Groff's short speech. Joe was quick to make sure the rest of the team took their credit for restoring the bike as well, and glasses were raised many times.  
"Hey," said Jack, looking straight up at the bunch of fake mistletoe hanging over her head, "what the fuck is this shit?"  
"Oh!" Miranda spilled some of her drink she put it down so fast. Grabbing Joe by an elbow she said, "Now's your chance, Joe."  
"Uh, what for?"  
"It's bloody mistletoe, innit?" Zaeed said, helping Miranda to propel Joe forward by grabbing his other arm. "You kiss under it."  
"Do what?" Jack said. "Why?"  
"Oh, woah, wait..." Joe tried to dig his heels in but had no chance between the two soldiers.  
"Fucked, if I know," Zaeed shrugged, "but you gotta try these things eh, Joe?"  
"I, uh, n, no..."  
When Jack saw Joe being marched towards her, she grinned predatorily at him.  
"Shit, look, guys, I have a girlfriend."  
"Too late now, Joe," Joker laughed.  
Garrus muttered, "Well, rather him than me."  
"Ah give it a rest," Zaeed smirked, "It's just a Christmas kiss, right Miranda?"  
"Precisely!"  
Shepard and Thane arrived just in time to watch as Jack pounced on Joe, whose knees quickly gave way.  
Grinning, Shepard said, "I can't tell if she's holding him up by his arms, or just his lips!"  
"Hah," Joker turned around, "Wait 'til it's your turn!"  
"I am not kissing Jack," Shepard said mildly.  
"No, I mean you and... Actually..."  
"And you can stop that thought right there, Joker!"  
"Ah, fuck it!" Suddenly Joker lurched towards her. He grabbed both her arms then planted a kiss on her lips. "Court martial me if you like, Commander, but I'm sure glad I'm still able to spend my Christmases with you. Soon as we get back to the Normandy, we're decorating the mess. Hey, Thane can be our tree!" He kissed her again, before walking away with a grin. "Shit, look at that!" He laughed. "Jack and Joe are still at it!"  
Shaking her head, Shepard told Thane, "There must be something in the snow around here. First Joker, then you, hell, even Jack isn't eating the locals."  
"Hmm, not quite, Siha." Thane grinned.  
Looking around the room, she noticed many eyes were on Thane. "Unless you intend to get stuck there all night, I suggest you avoid the mistletoe."  
Thane frowned then noticed the attention he was getting. "Ah, this is... unusual."  
"Hah, not as unusual as you think, drell!"  
"Oh?"  
"Just remind me to steal a little of that mistletoe, for later."  
Joker sat with his arm around EDI, looking around the room, revelling in the sense of warmth and kinship which had finally returned to him, after all these years.  
He didn't know what had happened, if he'd had the strangest of dreams, or if ghostly enemies, and friends alike, had actually visited him to show him the error of his ways. Right now, it didn't matter. He would analyse it later. Right now, he found himself hoping they might return to Earth in time for some last minute Christmas shopping.  
"Hey, Joe," Shepard shook his hand. "Thanks. You've sure livened up Christmas for us."  
"Uh, yeah, sure." He said, still shell-shocked.  
Shepard laughed at him still swaying after Jack's kiss. Then she turned away from him to shout, "Anyone want to get some holo-pics of Thane on the bike?"  
"Oh hell, yeah!" Joker shot up, pulling EDI up with him.  
"Oh, Siha, no..."  
"Come on, drell," she laughed, "get your sexy shades on and get ready to do some serious posing." Shepard looked around as everyone made a beeline towards the door, many flicking their omni-tools on. "Enjoy it," she insisted, taking Thane’s hand and leading him outside. "I bet there's not many drell, who haven't worked for Fornax, who can say they made a whole bunch of men and women come in their pants just by sitting on a bike."  
"I..."  
She planted a kiss on his lips and shoved him out the door.  
Settling himself back on the bike Thane noticed Joker grinning at him and smiled back, curiously pleased to see the pilots much improved mood. As he looked around at the many eager faces lit up by their omni-tools Thane wondered why people would want pictures of him with the bike, instead of just the bike itself. "Oi! My hat!" Groff yelled.  
Joe ran towards Thane and swiftly pushed the Santa hat onto Thane's head before stepping back with a grin.  
"Oh hell yeah!" Shepard laughed.  
"Shit! Look at that." Joker giggled. "Red and green really do go together! But then what would I know... Oh, shit, Merry Christmas everyone!"  
Thane grinned as the human saying ripped around him. Ignoring the Santa hat, he slipped on his shades and posed for the holo-pics, saying, "Happy holidays to you all."


End file.
